B.

Today, I ran into an old college chum who has long since graduated. He plopped down at my table with an oversized cinnamon bun and a cup of coffee asking smirkingly, "Mind if I sit here?" I think God uses this man as my proverbial wake-up call every time I see him.

He's one of those people. You know those people. They walk into a room and the entire dynamic changes. People gravitate toward them. People want to BE them. He's just an incredible guy. Perhaps it's the 8th grader in me trying to get out and write about this guy, but the spirit has moved me to do so. And he deserves to be captured in writing.

I met Brian as a freshman. He was a... super senior, as they call it. "Head over heels" doesn't begin to describe what I felt for him. It was more of an anvil-in-gut, deneuralize your brain, develop an arbitrary stutter when around him kindof scenario. Your usual celebrity crush, though he was just a guy. For upwards of six months I would cross paths with Brian on campus, fumble over my words in passing, and spend the rest of the day slapping myself for not getting it right.

Somewhere along the way, I must have gotten it right because Brian and I became friends. But, deep down, I knew it was a ridiculous infatuation. Brian was on every level not right for me and I was on every level not right for him. He was rugged and dangerous and older and flippant with sex. I was prudish and young and naive and giggly. Somehow, some way I relieved myself of the crush and like all little girls, I got over it.

And somehow, some way, Brian got himself into some trouble. Some big trouble. Details are unnecessary. All you need to know is that the man is now redeeming himself like no one I've ever known. Talk about turning your life around. I've never met anyone worldier or more charismatic. He's an enigma to me. He's an optimist with a dash of cynic. As humble as the day is long but completely and utterly sure of himself. He sees people with a heightened meticulousness that every actor should acquire. He appreciates the little things. He reads good books. He watches good movies. He understands good art. He's doing something with a life that I would have quickly decided was over and done. If I thought it was attainable, I'd say the new Brian is bordering on perfection.

I told him I couldn't wait to get out of Salisbury. That it was killing me here. He said, "That's because you've caught a glimpse of the light on the horizon. You see it. It looks good. It's telling you to get the Hell out of here."

As far as I see it, there are two types of strong emotions women can harbor toward men. There is the distant, jaw-dropping adoration for a boy that will sustain itself for a lifetime. And there is the this-is-the-one attraction. The latter is my boyfriend whom I love dearly, for whom I'd do anything, and with whom I hope to be for as long as we both shall live, so help me God. ;)

And the former is Brian: effervescent, quotable, charming, and inspirational. Good luck to ya, man.

I Want To Hold You In My Arms Forever

I have goals this week.
1. No more Diet Soda. The sodium makes my water retention sky rocket.
2. Make a smoothie for once in my life.
3. More water.
4. Make Jesus time.

I'd like to get to a point where I don't have to pencil Jesus in. He'll just be there. I was reading one of Chris' devotionals on Friday and it said to think of your relationship with God from his perspective. Would I want to be my friend if I treated myself the way I treat God? The answer? Absolutely not.

To God, I'm one of those friends who goes silent for weeks until I have a problem. Or a wish. Or a pressing inquiry. Next time, I think I'll go to God to thank for him for this nice crisp weather we're having.

On Health
I'ma start tracking my food here. Boring for you. Productive for me. I'm not counting calories. I'm trying to get an overall idea of what I eat and when I'm eating it. I need to figure out why I'm so absolutely ravenous at night when that is when I should be eating my smallest meals.

On Love
Long distance makes the hankering linger. I just miss him. Heartache will always feel like it is solely your own. But, I know there is a grandiose community of lonely people in this world. I mean, we thrive on this stuff. Without it, we'd be fresh out of love songs and novels and movies and plays and fine art.

Loneliness (regardless of the reason, be it distance or unrequited love) is universal.

And yet... at the time, it will always feel like no one can begin to fathom my pain.

What a selfish species we are, huh?

Ah well. The bed beckons. G'night, fine people.

Interpersonal

My Interpersonal Relations class has propelled me into a mess of psychological analysis. I can't look at a man and woman in conversation without assessing them accordingly.

This is probably no good. I can't be in my own relationship without thinking in textbook terms. I tell him, "Now, this is happening because I am a woman and as Dr. Brownlow says..."

I have only furthered my new obsession by purchasing, Love and Respect, a book on relationsips from a Christian perspective.

And to top it all off, I'm reading things online. Tonight I found this and realized it was me.

A woman believes that she is not as good as others. No matter how many people tell her how wonderful she is, this belief persists and colors her life. Even faced with overwhelming evidence that she is desirable, she tends to cling to her belief. This costs her time, happiness and connections with people who care about her.
Got It Here

Also: The Eight Stages of Relationships. I'm into this. Chris thinks it's a load of crap. Still, I am certain we're in the discovery stage.

Wednesday Slump

So, I decided to start ANOTHER blog. No promises regarding consistency. No promises regarding entertainment. I just wanted a little corner far enough removed from my social realm that I didn't need to worry about offending. Plus, I think it is safe to say that Blogger is much more aesthetically pleasing than Livejournal. Hooray for classy, modifiable templates.

I wanted this to be an epic post. However, seeing as how I must depart for class in half an hour and seeing as how I am a slow writer, this looks to be a brief attempt at nutshelling the limitless sea of thoughts swimming about in my wee little noggin right now.

What a long and pretentious sentence that was.

So here we go:
On Health
My period is a monster. And in these seven days prior to its visit, it completely alters everything. My water retention sky rockets. I weep at only mildly-sentimental things on the telly. I crave buckets of really specific not-all-that-appetizing foods (this week, it's Doritos). I am quickly annoyed. I look in the mirror and think, "My GOD, what a disaster." These are the usual PMS symptoms. And seeing as how I've had my period for an entire decade, you'd think I'd be used to it.

I'm not.

Thus the Abs Diet is, for the first time, difficult. Because, instead of the almonds and peanut butter and fruit, I want chips and crackers and cookies. I'm still working out heavily, but the water retention disregards this completely.

I've also brown exceptionally lazy with my water intake. Need to fix that.

Y'know... I've grown exceptionally lazy with all things. Stop that, Candace.

On Love
I don't understand men. I thought that I did. The boy and I are struggling to overcome a few things. I have made great efforts to call more frequently and to not get offended by his phone etiquette which, to me, reads as boredom and unenthusiasm. It will be hard. But, what's a relationship without a struggle? I wouldn't work for it if I didn't think it was worth it.

I guess I'm overly sensitive. I always took the teasing well until it seemed to outweigh the non-teasing. I suppose I have become like every other woman and actually do want him to find the little things about me endearing like I do with him.

But, then I turn on the TV and see the countless sitcoms about unsensitive men who are more into their bodies and their sports and their cars and I realize, "Ok. This is how it is. Accept it. Love it."

Hmm.

On School
I want out of this place. I can't put it any other way. I feel trapped in the routine of boring Salisbury. I'm sorry to be negative. But, it's truly daunting.

*sigh* Class awaits. So long, friends.

Testing 1 2 3

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