Migrating From Here

In an effort to close this chapter of my life once and for all, I have moved.

Assumptions And Sarcasm

We didn't talk much yesterday and when we did, I wasn't very talkative and he was very sleepy. He said bye without saying, "I love you" so... I did the same.

Then I sent a text message. This will always be a mistake because text messages are either emotionally loaded or they're not. And the recipient usually can't tell.

"Maybe we can work something into our schedules where we're actually nice to each other," I said.

I included the winky face icon to soften the blow. Then I swallowed my pride and told him I loved him. Twelve hours later, he's MIA. So, twelve hours later, I'm going through the assumption process.

The assumption process will always go straight to the worst possible scenario and then waver back and forth between lesser and greater cases until the assumption is put to rest by the other party.

My wildly irrational thought process is as follows: "He took offense. He's not going to talk to me the rest of the day. He's probably going to go talk to a girl about it. And she'll be really cute and sympathetic. And then he'll think, 'Why isn't my girlfriend more cute and sympathetic?' And THEN he'll think, 'Why aren't I dating this girl?' Then, we'll break up. And it will be all my fault because I made a mild, sarcastic blow at our pathetic communication efforts this week."

The truth is, he's got Midsummer call-backs all day and his focus is probably there. This isn't about me, I have to keep reminding myself.

To my friends and relations who are happily married or committed in some type of fashion, you are probably laughing at the woes of early relationship struggles. Perhaps, you are harkening back memories of such times you experienced in the beginning. Or perhaps it was all peaches and cream for you. Either way, I'm looking to see if it ever gets easier.

In other news, I thought I was going to hate "Across The Universe." I didn't. It's a very beautiful film... underdeveloped characters and plot, aside. Plus, I will always be into rugged British boys in sweater vests and ties.

Have a fine day, all. :)

Mad Eye Moody

Hot and cold doesn't begin to describe my mood swing issue of late. More like bubbly and tyrannical. How does one manage to fit both of those emotions in their day on a regular flip-flop hourly schedule? If I had a magic spell to balance my hormones, align my chakras, and wane the moon all at once, you better believe I'd be waggin' that magic wand.

I became so irritated by my own irritability that I googled, "Women's Moods" and bought the first book that popped up on Amazon. Not so surprisingly, it was entitled, "Women's Moods." Creative.

I kept looking for distractions today. I cleaned the bathroom to a T. I shoveled out the gobs of poop from James Bond's kitty litter. I packed an effing suitcase for my empty Waxhaw home thinking a personal mini retreat would be nice.

And I made it to here. Panera Bread Company in Concord, NC where the soup is hot, the wireless free, and the families with loud kids bountiful. I can't decide if I want to go home and be a lonely cat lady with our six fat cats... or if I want to go back to Salisbury where the dishes are dirty and the people are... too familiar.

Familiarity.

Did you know familiarity makes you like a person? The familiar attracts us. This is why we're prone to prefer a mirror image of ourselves over an actual photo. We're used to seeing ourselves in reverse (aka: the mirror) and so we like it better. This probably explains my affinity for photobooth images instead of regular ones. I like my hair to look parted to the right though it's always on the left. I learned this in Interpersonal Relations. Or as I like to call it, "Self-Help for Candace 101."

So, I'm going to do something tonight that I have always, always, always wanted to do but been too wimpy to actually carry out.

I'm going to see a movie by myself.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "My God. Can we say crazy cat lady in the making?" And you know what? Maybe, we can. But, perhaps my New York audition for Bernard Telsey casting in January will at least somewhat prevent me from living alone in the Boonies with twelve cats, some knitting needles, and a box of self-cut coupons. The fact of the matter is, I WANT to see a movie by myself. I've always wanted to. And now, I will. And afterward, I will determine my destination in regards to my after-movie mood.

Simple Living

So, I'm on a minimalist kick right now.

I don't know if it's a pre-mid-life crisis or my neat freak of a boyfriend or what, but suddenly, I can't get a thing done if something is out of place. And right now, everything in the apartment is out of place. Environment, environment, environment! The smells, the colors, the cleanliness. It is all key to productivity. Give me a solid colored bedspread with a single pumpkin scented candle and we're good to go. No more excess!

Thus, my number one goal this week is DECLUTTERING. Purge my closet, my desk, my drawers.

Thank you, zen habits.

Home

Warning: Long, long, fairly directionless, throught-purging entry. Only read if you care/ have time.

I've been away from Salisbury since Thursday and I cannot think of single thing that would make me want to go back. Now, that's pretty sad considering all of my friends are there and James Bond the kitten is there and I'm striding through my senior year of a college there. What is it? What is it about a place that can alter your entire being completely? I just drive into Salisbury and my mood dampens.

Never thought I'd so desperately want to dwell in the cozy little antique, cow corner that is Waxhaw, North Carolina.

But, I say all this having just received an e-mail from my dad about a friend of a friend whose son has Chronic Pancreatitis and will be going in Jan. 11th to have his pancrease, spleen, and appendix removed. I wonder why I've ever complained about anything. Keep him in your prayers. His name is Otto Kleiman.

On Love
I've been reading my Love and Respect book. Thus far, it hasn't said much I didn't already know. There are some cute but oversimplified metaphors on pink and blue sunglasses and how men and women can only see through their respectively colored lenses. It has confirmed for me that most men get to a point of seeming unemotional when they're really not. I feel less alone in my skepticism toward love... which is nice. Otherwise, it's pretty obvious to me that love is an enigma never to be decoded via self-help books.

In other news, I spent half of my weekend with the boy's parents and grew to love them dearly. Parents are a tough obstacle in relationships. If parents on either side are the least bit dissatisfied with their offspring's mate of choice, conflict will inevitably occur. Lucky for me, my parents adore my boyfriend and... his parents seem to be pretty okay with me. :) Or here's hopin'.

The holidays will forever heighten my romantic emotions. To be lonely during the holidays is to be utterly lonely. And to be loved during the holidays is to be completely blissful. The pie tastes sweeter and the tree seems brighter and the air seems crisper knowing that you have someone to kiss under the mistletoe who isn't kissing you purely because of the mistletoe. I am anxious to have my first real holiday with my other half. Although we'll be apart over Thanksgiving, I feel that Christmas and New Years will be much more cheerful than they've ever been.

On Jesus
I went to church yesterday. I'm ashamed to say how long it's been since I'd gone to church. When I come home, I can just feel the presence of God in my house. And a lot of this has to do with the shear faith of my parents. Their convictions are strong and it rubs off on me. So, how do I transfer that demeanor to my Salisbury home where nonbelievers seem to outweigh... everything?

Last week, a boy said, "Anyone who knows me knows that I'm in no way a Christian. But, I certainly respect their religion." Actions speak louder than words, kid. Funny how a person can completely demolish what they're saying by attitude alone.

People say that you can't be in theatre and maintain a Christian lifestyle. Well, how am I supposed to grow in my faith if I am enforcing that handicap? I'm not. So, here's to me being a Christian and an actor.

No, no. Here's to me living through God on every level first and therein being an actor. I've got to stop waiting for other people to bring out the Christian in me when I am fully capable of doing it myself.

On Health
I met ALL of my goals last week. I've officially gone a week without Diet Coke. I've been drinking water out the wazoo. I made a smoothie!

I've been eating a lot. It's mostly been Abs Diet friendly foods. But, it just feels like a lot. And going out of town on weekends completely destroys my workout regimen. So, I've got to figure out an on-the-road workout plan that I can do when Chris is in class and I'm at Elon. And I fear what the holiday break will do to my body, for sure.

My scale here at home says I weigh about seven lbs less than I do according to my scale in Salisbury. Hm.

I'm starting a 30 Day Challenge today just to make sure I'm on the right track.

In Closing
Our pastor said yesterday that people who can find joy in joyless things are some of the most delighted, warm, and content characters we have. I want to be one of those people. I'm not. But, I want to. I struggle with being apart from Chris and I fear the future. And constantly, he has to remind me that this is a mere blip in the long run. When I will become the person who says, "Yeah. It sucks. But the good thing is..." ?

It's not naive positivity and hopeless, blind optimism that I'm looking for, here.

I'm looking to praise whatever is on my plate because at least there's something on it.

B.

Today, I ran into an old college chum who has long since graduated. He plopped down at my table with an oversized cinnamon bun and a cup of coffee asking smirkingly, "Mind if I sit here?" I think God uses this man as my proverbial wake-up call every time I see him.

He's one of those people. You know those people. They walk into a room and the entire dynamic changes. People gravitate toward them. People want to BE them. He's just an incredible guy. Perhaps it's the 8th grader in me trying to get out and write about this guy, but the spirit has moved me to do so. And he deserves to be captured in writing.

I met Brian as a freshman. He was a... super senior, as they call it. "Head over heels" doesn't begin to describe what I felt for him. It was more of an anvil-in-gut, deneuralize your brain, develop an arbitrary stutter when around him kindof scenario. Your usual celebrity crush, though he was just a guy. For upwards of six months I would cross paths with Brian on campus, fumble over my words in passing, and spend the rest of the day slapping myself for not getting it right.

Somewhere along the way, I must have gotten it right because Brian and I became friends. But, deep down, I knew it was a ridiculous infatuation. Brian was on every level not right for me and I was on every level not right for him. He was rugged and dangerous and older and flippant with sex. I was prudish and young and naive and giggly. Somehow, some way I relieved myself of the crush and like all little girls, I got over it.

And somehow, some way, Brian got himself into some trouble. Some big trouble. Details are unnecessary. All you need to know is that the man is now redeeming himself like no one I've ever known. Talk about turning your life around. I've never met anyone worldier or more charismatic. He's an enigma to me. He's an optimist with a dash of cynic. As humble as the day is long but completely and utterly sure of himself. He sees people with a heightened meticulousness that every actor should acquire. He appreciates the little things. He reads good books. He watches good movies. He understands good art. He's doing something with a life that I would have quickly decided was over and done. If I thought it was attainable, I'd say the new Brian is bordering on perfection.

I told him I couldn't wait to get out of Salisbury. That it was killing me here. He said, "That's because you've caught a glimpse of the light on the horizon. You see it. It looks good. It's telling you to get the Hell out of here."

As far as I see it, there are two types of strong emotions women can harbor toward men. There is the distant, jaw-dropping adoration for a boy that will sustain itself for a lifetime. And there is the this-is-the-one attraction. The latter is my boyfriend whom I love dearly, for whom I'd do anything, and with whom I hope to be for as long as we both shall live, so help me God. ;)

And the former is Brian: effervescent, quotable, charming, and inspirational. Good luck to ya, man.

I Want To Hold You In My Arms Forever

I have goals this week.
1. No more Diet Soda. The sodium makes my water retention sky rocket.
2. Make a smoothie for once in my life.
3. More water.
4. Make Jesus time.

I'd like to get to a point where I don't have to pencil Jesus in. He'll just be there. I was reading one of Chris' devotionals on Friday and it said to think of your relationship with God from his perspective. Would I want to be my friend if I treated myself the way I treat God? The answer? Absolutely not.

To God, I'm one of those friends who goes silent for weeks until I have a problem. Or a wish. Or a pressing inquiry. Next time, I think I'll go to God to thank for him for this nice crisp weather we're having.

On Health
I'ma start tracking my food here. Boring for you. Productive for me. I'm not counting calories. I'm trying to get an overall idea of what I eat and when I'm eating it. I need to figure out why I'm so absolutely ravenous at night when that is when I should be eating my smallest meals.

On Love
Long distance makes the hankering linger. I just miss him. Heartache will always feel like it is solely your own. But, I know there is a grandiose community of lonely people in this world. I mean, we thrive on this stuff. Without it, we'd be fresh out of love songs and novels and movies and plays and fine art.

Loneliness (regardless of the reason, be it distance or unrequited love) is universal.

And yet... at the time, it will always feel like no one can begin to fathom my pain.

What a selfish species we are, huh?

Ah well. The bed beckons. G'night, fine people.

Interpersonal

My Interpersonal Relations class has propelled me into a mess of psychological analysis. I can't look at a man and woman in conversation without assessing them accordingly.

This is probably no good. I can't be in my own relationship without thinking in textbook terms. I tell him, "Now, this is happening because I am a woman and as Dr. Brownlow says..."

I have only furthered my new obsession by purchasing, Love and Respect, a book on relationsips from a Christian perspective.

And to top it all off, I'm reading things online. Tonight I found this and realized it was me.

A woman believes that she is not as good as others. No matter how many people tell her how wonderful she is, this belief persists and colors her life. Even faced with overwhelming evidence that she is desirable, she tends to cling to her belief. This costs her time, happiness and connections with people who care about her.
Got It Here

Also: The Eight Stages of Relationships. I'm into this. Chris thinks it's a load of crap. Still, I am certain we're in the discovery stage.

Wednesday Slump

So, I decided to start ANOTHER blog. No promises regarding consistency. No promises regarding entertainment. I just wanted a little corner far enough removed from my social realm that I didn't need to worry about offending. Plus, I think it is safe to say that Blogger is much more aesthetically pleasing than Livejournal. Hooray for classy, modifiable templates.

I wanted this to be an epic post. However, seeing as how I must depart for class in half an hour and seeing as how I am a slow writer, this looks to be a brief attempt at nutshelling the limitless sea of thoughts swimming about in my wee little noggin right now.

What a long and pretentious sentence that was.

So here we go:
On Health
My period is a monster. And in these seven days prior to its visit, it completely alters everything. My water retention sky rockets. I weep at only mildly-sentimental things on the telly. I crave buckets of really specific not-all-that-appetizing foods (this week, it's Doritos). I am quickly annoyed. I look in the mirror and think, "My GOD, what a disaster." These are the usual PMS symptoms. And seeing as how I've had my period for an entire decade, you'd think I'd be used to it.

I'm not.

Thus the Abs Diet is, for the first time, difficult. Because, instead of the almonds and peanut butter and fruit, I want chips and crackers and cookies. I'm still working out heavily, but the water retention disregards this completely.

I've also brown exceptionally lazy with my water intake. Need to fix that.

Y'know... I've grown exceptionally lazy with all things. Stop that, Candace.

On Love
I don't understand men. I thought that I did. The boy and I are struggling to overcome a few things. I have made great efforts to call more frequently and to not get offended by his phone etiquette which, to me, reads as boredom and unenthusiasm. It will be hard. But, what's a relationship without a struggle? I wouldn't work for it if I didn't think it was worth it.

I guess I'm overly sensitive. I always took the teasing well until it seemed to outweigh the non-teasing. I suppose I have become like every other woman and actually do want him to find the little things about me endearing like I do with him.

But, then I turn on the TV and see the countless sitcoms about unsensitive men who are more into their bodies and their sports and their cars and I realize, "Ok. This is how it is. Accept it. Love it."

Hmm.

On School
I want out of this place. I can't put it any other way. I feel trapped in the routine of boring Salisbury. I'm sorry to be negative. But, it's truly daunting.

*sigh* Class awaits. So long, friends.

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